I turned 41 today
February 7, 2022
It is the end of what I thought was going to be a long day. I fully intended to post little updates to twitter. It wasn’t that bad: I got a really nice dinner yesterday, and a thoughtful present from my colleagues. Yesterday felt like I was spiraling. My annual crisis reared its ugly head.
This year’s thought was “What is going to be on my obituary?” My husband did his best to not roll his eyes at me but I interpreted his long drawn out breath as the same gesture. He is convinced that I am torturing myself, because he doesn’t think like this.
Here is how I got here. This week I reached a career milestone. I completed my consultation hours for the trauma protocol that I will be certified in (see below for an explanation). Which lead me to consider what is next for me after I submit the application. Some days, I want to solidify my original old lady plan of becoming a yoga instructor. I figured it is a good way to stay mobile and make some extra money while I hang out past 65. Then I think, should I take the certification to the next step. With all of this going on, I start to think about all of the decisions I said no to over the years.
All of this chaos is just the stuff related to career. I am still left with the aesthetic part. My body has changed over the years and I do not like it. I’ve been in an “on again, off again” relationship with working out. I lie to myself about how I just need to work out to look the way I want knowing I need to change my diet. My denial is rather shameful.
While my brain is going out of her way to contradict all logic, I try to make sure my behavior is still moving in a desired direction. I almost done with 30 days of abs work only skipping one day. By asking for a pull-up bar for my birthday, I can now do chin-ups without kicking. Still working on pull-ups.
I never resolve the crisis. It just manages to fade into the background year after year. I usually get it under control with a goal plan. The problem is that I had a clear visual of the past 5 years. This is the last year of that plan and I am not sure what is next.
Because of my profession, people assume I have all of the answers. I do not.
How do you manage self doubt?
*EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) is a trauma protocol to quickly lets individuals process the events that have occurred around them. This process gives them the space to experience their life without being triggered by past events. I am going to submit an application to become EMDR certified.