What’s it like in my head

Indecision

One my biggest challenges in life has always been indecision. Whether it is a symptom of a larger issue or not it can feel like I’m drowning. The primary reason that I don’t write is choosing something to write about.

I am staring at the cursor and ….

The words either go away or lose their order. I have attempted to write a post at least three times. If I think about it too long my world feels very small. Extremely insignificant.

When it gets overwhelming I redirect with distraction. I have to find something else to do or the FOMO kicks in. The feeling that I am missing some opportunity or experience by not focusing on producing.

At this very moment, dragging these words out, is almost painful.

Distraction

When I try to do almost anything — besides sitting across from someone in a session — I get distracted. To the point that something that should take 30 minutes can take 4 hours. The biggest issue is writing notes. One of my colleagues suggested I complete my notes during the session. I find it too intrusive to be writing when someone is telling me about a painful event in their life. So I write my notes after session. People tell me that I am so lucky to only work 30 hours a week but I spent another 10 hours writing notes. Yes, I know they make drugs for that.

This distraction is only the beginning.

Here is an example. I sat down at my desk. Ended up watching a YouTube video about writing and the speaker mentions reading daily. He mentions having a kindle. I wonder where my kindle is. I pause the video to find the one I have. Its dead. Find the plug. Resume watching the video. Pause video and see how much I would get for trading in my kindle. Go spend 20 mins explaining what I was doing to my husband. Then spend an hour looking at new kindles because mine is from 2012. Watch 3 videos about the most expensive one. Go back to finish original video. How did I get here? I sat down to write my notes.

Obsession

As I become overwhelmed by all of this, my brain lies to me and says that “researching” is doing something. As mentioned in the above example, I can get stuck looking for information about any one particular topic. This weeks intrusion is buying a phone camera lens. I have written about photography before. I have an aging mirrorless camera. I am going on a trip soon and wonder if I should buy a new camera. The issue is that I don’t have the time to carry around a camera and ponder over lighting. I always have my phone and that is typically the best camera in my house. I can’t get the thoughts of buying lenses for my phone. So hours are wasted checking websites, and comparing products, all in an attempt to justify a purchase. What happens next is that I spend a few hundred dollars and start the whole process over again.

These thoughts burrow in like bugs and don’t let go until I have purchased what ever it is. I can get around it sometimes. The funny part is when I actually need the item in question vs just wanting it.

My brain

We all have our struggles. Mine are not special. They are just mine. The brain creates these speed bumps. I don’t tell myself that I’m building character or becoming stronger. The fact that I know that I have these issues makes it so much easier to not judge clients. I am not fixing someone who is broken. I am reflecting that we can function — mostly — despite our issues, struggles, hiccups, speed bumps, whatever you call them.

Sometimes I give in, sometimes I don’t. Time keeps moving, so I have to keep up.